Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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