Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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