He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
