I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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