this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
