I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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