i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
