Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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