My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
