when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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