party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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