We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
