I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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