i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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