His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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