do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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