Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
