Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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