I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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