Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We are two peas in an std pod
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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