im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
