I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
