I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
