So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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