wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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