Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
