he told me I talked like a deaf person
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
