Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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