Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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