She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize