dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
