I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
