life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
