I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
