a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
