You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
