worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You need a sexual gate keeper
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
