walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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