I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
