i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
