Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
