I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I believe in your delicious
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
