Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
