this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
