I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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