He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
