I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
