I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
