I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
