He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
