I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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