make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
